At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize