Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
ttyl tear gas
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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