she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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