The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize