I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
