you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
