OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Someone signed my nipple.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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