awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
