can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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