You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
