i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm like, not good at living.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
