Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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