Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
