i just wanna soil my oats bro
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
