Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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