addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I didn't notice because vodka
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize