Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
