I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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