i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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