I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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