I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
