"it" just moved
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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