i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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