Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
