highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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