is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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