Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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