tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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