I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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