No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
