Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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