Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
