I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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