the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
