I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
