I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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