I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
