I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
