Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
