Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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