Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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