we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
