I'm going to rape someone's good day.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
