remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
