i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
