There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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