When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
