I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
