so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
