I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's never too late to be topless.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
