Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize