My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize