I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
