That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
