At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
