dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
