My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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