I'm really into asian looking animals
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
