Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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