I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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